To The Man I’ll Eventually Fall In Love With

1464878605470858889194.jpgI hope that you’re fun. If it’s 2am and we’ve just spent 13 hours marathoning a television show, playing a game, or laying in bed, then I hope us doing a maccas run only serves as a means to provide us with enough energy to continue whatever it was we were or were not doing. It’s only 2am, afterall. Plenty more hours till the sun comes up.

I hope that you’re spontaneous. We can’t be bothered cooking so we’ll go out to eat. On the way back to the car we notice there’s a movie or two we wouldn’t mind seeing. Who cares if it’s late and we have work the next day? And I realize we’ve just eaten but, who goes to a movie without snacks? Not us, surely.

I hope that you’re passionate. I’ll look at you from across the room, and neither of us will need to say a word. I’ll run my fingers through your hair as you kiss my neck, and we’ll forget anyone else exists.

I hope that you’re casual.  We won’t bother putting proper clothes on unless we have to leave the house, and even then it has to be ABSOLUTELY necessary. Trackies are all we need, and it’s cuddle weather anyway.

I hope that you’re weird. It’ll go well with mine. And we’ll get a kick out of all the normals that try to understand us. They can’t, and shouldn’t bother trying :p

I hope that you’re kind. We can be the support network that so many people need. You’ll understand when I’m having a bad day, and I’ll be there for you during yours. And we’ll trust each other, know each other, and appreciate each other for it.

I hope that you’re tidy. Because I really am not, and I need someone to keep me motivated to do things or I’ll just let it pile up. Try not to be grumpy ok? I’m messy but I’ll work out it. We’ll find a middle ground :).

I hope that you’re adventurous. Because I want to do things! I want to collect every experience I possibly can, and I want to share them with you. Lets go somewhere we’ve never been before, meet people we’ve never met, and eat everything we possibly can. We’ll still have a home, a job and our pets, but we can be free spirits to, ok? Best of both worlds, however we manage it.

I hope that you’re brave. This is really important. I can’t promise you that everything will be perfect, all of the time. Things might get hard, I might get hard to deal with, but that’s just the cost of life, and that’s the price of sharing it with another person. What I can promise you, is there will be enough goodness, enough happiness, and enough love, that everything else will be worth it.

And lastly…

I hope that you’re mine. And I’m yours. And that’s the most important thing. We can work out all the other stuff later. I’m fine with that if you are.

I hope to find you eventually, but I’m not looking. Because I need to learn to live without you first. And I need to be the kind of person someone would fight for, because I intend to fight for you.

I look forward to meeting you, my love. Whenever that may be.

 

 

 

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My life and my loves, Who, What, When, Where, and Why.

This is the story of the 5 loves of my life. Their names are Who, What, When, Where  and Why.

Who is a guy I met when I needed to love someone. He’d throw me over his shoulders and I’d pretend to scream like I didn’t like it, but clearly did. He always wanted to keep me out of trouble. He was different from the other people I’d known and was good at keeping me in check, but he probably shouldn’t have. In the beginning we loved to do things together, like driving in no particular direction just for the adventure, and if we were walking, my feet worked doubly fast to keep up with him, which I didn’t mind at all, originally. I can’t be sure exactly at what point exactly things started turning sour. I just woke up one morning and realised that, because of who he was, I could never be who I was meant to be.

What is my first real love, or as real as it could have been. I was one of those delusional teens who think their first love will be their last, well clearly I was wrong but I admire the former me that allowed themselves to think that way . Although, the person I was then is entirely different from the person  I am now, so I suppose if someone was to preserve a 16 year old version of myself, exactly as I was, perhaps I’d have loved them forever. He was always interesting, and he always had something to say. His creative energy was part of what I loved about him, even if he wasn’t always right and even if he made me feel like I needed to seek his approval. Young love is fickle but exciting.  I gave a piece of myself to everyone I’ve loved, and I gained a piece in return. I don’t regret what we gave each other.

When is a friend that’s close to my heart who’ll always have a place there.  My arms always fit around him easily and he gave the best hugs. For him, making me giggle was easy, which I hated because I have such an awkward one, but he didn’t seem to mind at all. He was beautiful, and when I was with him, I was beautiful, and maybe we could have been together, but we weren’t.  It may have been bad timing, or it may have been something stronger, but I’m grateful life pushed us in different directions because where we ended up suits us far too well to just be coincidence. But when we see each other again, we’ll definitely smile.

Where was one of the worst relationships I’ve ever had, and the best friendship I’ve ever had. Thinking about it it’s probably because of the former that the latter is true, and I just love how life works out that way. I used to think we were a lot alike, and we were, but I’m not so sure anymore. At one point I thought that no one else could understand me better, and vice versa, but I guess now that doesn’t make sense. It’s funny how when you get used to not having something anymore, you start to forget how significant it was to you before. I start to feel that way sometimes, but I can’t let myself. I can’t let myself forget the fun times, the bad times, the times of nothing and the times of everything, and just because the current versions of ourselves aren’t together, doesn’t mean the previous ones don’t matter anymore. They do matter, and they were great, sometimes awful but great none the less, and I can say honestly that that was a person I’d have done anything for. And I might still do, I’m not sure. I don’t know where you are now, but you’re happy, right?

Why is my most selfish love. Not him, me. I wanted the chance to love them and I’ll always regret that I never had it. Logically I can tell myself that they’re content and could even love their life as is, but the rest of me is still screaming out “but why?” Why did it happen this way? Why couldn’t you be all the things you wanted to be and do all the things you wanted to do? And I know this is ridiculous, because I know they probably still can, if they still want to, one day. But the life they have, even if it’s a great one, is not one I’m apart of, and like I said, I’m a selfish person after all.  I don’t know why I feel this way, but I can’t apologies for it. Why, you’re an amazing person, I’ll always remember how amazing you are.

Thank you, Who, What, When, Where and Why, for being part of my life, for changing me and helping me grow.  But the person I’m in love with, isn’t any one of them. He’s all of them. He is who I love, the person that I can have fun with, go on adventures with and try and steal his hand as I walk double fast to keep up. He is what I love, and what I love about him is everything, my person to give every part of myself to and to experience new things with. When we’re together, I feel beautiful, cheeky, comfortable and safe. Where we go doesn’t matter, I could tackle the world so long as he’s beside me. He is the reason why I want to love at all, and will always want to, because knowing him has changed me forever.  He is my sixth love. My last.

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What is there to say, really?

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Do you ever feel like you’re just waiting for your life to start? When we’re little we always have such strong notions of what we want to be when we grow up, but now that we’re there… now what? This is what I’ve been thinking about lately, because the younger me that made the plans and had the goals, well they just don’t exist anymore, and all the things I’d thought I’d accomplish just don’t seem all that enjoyable anymore.

 

I do think it’s ok to still want  unrealistic things. I know alot of people don’t agree with me there, especially my friends and family who look at the me that spends days working on a new song, and worries I’m wasting my life… but aren’t I allowed to? As children we’re encouraged to want to be astronauts and pilots and marry a prince, but if we carry the same dreams and desires as we grow, plans that used to be greeted with smiles somehow transforms into “Isn’t it about time you grew up?”.

 

But why should I? If the fantasy is inevitably better than the reality, isn’t it more fulfilling to choose the former? Isn’t my quality of like only defined by MY own perception and mine alone?

 

Honestly, I really don’t know anymore.

 

But for now, I’m just going to keep doing what makes me smile.